life just goes on and on. i swear i don't want my life to merely be lots and lots of time to accomplish all the tasks on my to-do list, and making more to-do lists. i swear i don't. so why is my life going that way? i feel almost constant anxiety. i'm always asking myself annoying, restless questions. what do i need to do right now? what do i need to do after that? or, what am i supposed to be doing right now that i'm not doing? i want off the hamster wheel. i'd like to think that my life will be so care-free and have nothing to do with to-do lists after wheaton. i look at websites about humanitarian organizations and mission agencies and i get so excited about the idea of working with one of them and having the exciting, meaningful life i've always dreamed about. but the truth is that this summer, when i was working at potter's house, i was working at the christian humanitarian organization that i've dreamed about working at, and i still had to-do lists. tons of them. that's why it was called "work". so i've got to figure out how to rest while i'm here at wheaton, or i may never rest in this life at all. i don't think i was like this at all last year. i prided myself on being one of the few type B people on this campus. apparently, i became more anal over the summer. i want to have a disciplined life. i want to have goals and be intentionally working toward them. i want to become the person that i've dreamed of being. i want to have intimacy with christ. i want to be a blessing as a friend, a daughter, a sister, a student, a co-worker. but i want to be sane, too. i want to be healthy. i know this is a lot to ask for, but i'd like to actually be happy. is it possible to live up to my potential, while being able to genuinely smile? | 
